Perhaps this is an odd thing to say, but blogs have become too public of late. But, in any case, I finally felt like writing something longer than 140 characters and so here I am. (: 

Exciting things that have happened recently - going for the WEAVER/Applicat Spectra live about ten days ago and rekindling my love for Japanese pop culture and rock.

 To be honest I wasn't expecting to enjoy myself that much because I was going awkwardly alone (the only other person I knew bought another category of tickets), and because prior to the live I hadn't actually listened very much to either of the bands. Yet, I did. It was a completely awesome experience - it didn't matter that I didn't know anyone around me or that I didn't know the lyrics and I couldn't sing along, the music was really, really good.

Applicat Spectra opened first and well, I didn't expect to like them as much as I did. Hearing the lead singer's voice live was a surreal experience (Embedded their latest PV below) because you'd never expect such a voice to come out from this person standing in front of you, but it was amazing. Also, must note, they look a lot better on stage then in their PVs which amused me. (: They opened with their latest single and I really loved just about every song that followed after as well. I went a little crazy then they had a song in 5/4 because I was being a band geek haha but yes. I really enjoyed their set and the MC portions were really qt ["in Japan they call us Appli-nyanko because we love cats alot!" --> this was met by squeals of KAWAII which made me laugh because it was true it was really cute] and permanently made Ken-ken (one of the guitarists) my bias. (: 


There was a 20 minute intermission or so as they got the stage ready for WEAVER and well, I mostly spent that time spazzing on Twitter / LINE / Whatsapp / SMS to random people about how amazing the first half was. (: Then WEAVER finally came on stage and it was just as good. ♥ The crowd obviously seemed to know them more (Applicat is really new, they'd only officially released one single late last year before the came to Singapore in contrast to WEAVER who's been around since 2010) and they were really awesomely cute + they made really good music as well. (: Their MC portions were super cute as well - the drummer (or Be-chan as he is affectionately known as ♥ ) made this super long super cute speech about what he did in Singapore which just had everyone laughing and going KAWAII~ but yes. 

In any case, the concert ended way too soon ):, but it was followed by a hand-shake session with both bands which was amazing I was like ZOMG WHAT AM I GONNA SAY WHEN I SHAKE THEIR HANDS but in the end I just didn't say anything ><

Finally met up with my friend after the live and she was spazzing because: 
a) her bias, WEAVER REMEMBERED HER NAME FROM ALL HER FAN-LETTERS AND TWITTER AND STUFF and
b) she got the Applicat-Spectra towel that Ken-ken ran down stage and passed to the fans (Y)

This is probably second-hand excitement but it was just amazing knowing that and I got really high as well haha~ Followed her and her other friend to the back door to wait for the bands to come out and when they did we were just spazzing and waving and taking photos of them through glass windows of the bus. (: More fangirly stuff happened for my friend (Be-chan was mouthing her name through the glass and saying hi) and they waved back when we waved madly at them through the glass as well x) 

In any case, the night was awesome. (: I was super tempted to go to the airport the next morning to send them off, but I was supposed to have school, and anyway I got a fever the next morning as well ): My friend did go to the airport, though, and she got INDIVIDUAL PHOTOS WITH TWO OF THE BAND MEMBERS AND TALKED TO THEM AND ALL ZOMG but yes. x) 

This ends off my Applicat Spectra/WEAVER spazz hahaha but I guess another major reason why the live really impacted me was that -- it seriously made me want to go to Japan for university and stuff? It was something I've been considering more concretely ever since the career/education fair my school held about a week before the live, and Waseda was something that I always knew about but something that I never fully thought was possible for me to pursue. The education fair made it seem more reachable and possible, and this coupled with the live and the influx of omgjapanpopculture really makes this desire even stronger and more attainable. >< I spent the days after the live reading their tweets and blogs and other related blogposts that were in Japanese and it kinda just made me want to be a part of this culture where being in Japan will make it more accessible to me and all that but -- I don't know if that's a valid enough reason to want to go to Japan to further my studies (If I go it'd be the Liberal Arts programme at Waseda). 

In a lot of ways I've already accepted the fact that I probably won't be able to go overseas for uni because firstly, I HAVE NO FUNDING and secondly, getting a scholarship is quite unlikely at the moment. So basically, no money. x) In some odd, probably mistaken way, Japan seems more accessible money wise but I'm not sure - I have yet to fully check it out like I should. But, yes. I'll shelve these plans for another day. (: 

And instead, go back to doing IAs which I need to make my IB grade. ): 

Today was two important farewells - the second probably more than the first, but I shall list both anyway. 

The first was Ms Fee's farewell party. I wasn't aware it was happening until sometime around one this afternoon, so I was rather reluctant to go, but I decided to in the end. And I guess, I'm glad I did. I'll definitely miss Ms Fee a lot, it was five years in her class, just about every week, and they were good, fun years. I learnt a lot, and well, maybe I'll never be good at dance, or talented at it, but I know I enjoy it and I'm not gonna give it up quite so easily. I didn't quite expect to cry that much but somehow I did and it was quite embarrassing but >< oh well. 

the second farewell is infinitely more important than the first, and hits closer to home as well. 

just about half an hour ago the phonecall came to say "i think ah-ma's stopped breathing". my mum rushed out of the house, and we got confirmation, here at home, about fifteen minutes ago. 

i guess what i felt most immediately was guilt because i haven't gone to see her since tuesday. i feel like i haven't really said goodbye yet - but i guess we all already kinda did in our own ways, way before this. probably from the end of last year when we knew she was in her last stages. and on wednesday two weeks ago with the mega family reunion dinner where everyone was there and she was still conscious, and happy that so many of us were there to see her. 

in a sense, i'm glad she's gone, instead of still suffering. the past week was bad - there was more or less never-ending pain despite being drugged full or morphine, and she wouldn't wake or respond much anymore. all of us kept wishing it would never reach this state, but it did, and it lasted for longer than we hoped. i think a lot of us are relieved that she's gone now, instead of still fighting the pain. (times like this beg the question of is this really right though?)

one of the most heartwarming scenes throughout this whole time was seeing all of her children and grandchildren (daughters, and grand-daughters, mostly) crowded around her bed in her room, holding her hand, trying to give her some comfort in these last stages. she couldn't quite speak anymore, at that point, but she knew we were there. i think we were rediscovering family in those moments - and perhaps rediscovering these people that were our family. 

it's sad to think that i don't think i'll see many of them very much again after ah-ma passes on. she was, i guess, our focal point with her weekly sunday dinners of absolutely delicious food. her house was always the first stop for chinese new year - i don't know what it'll be next year, to be honest. after this, all of my aunts and uncles will be in different lands again, and even those still here in singapore will barely meet up. 

today really was a day of farewells and good-byes. i'm tired now, but i don't feel like i can go to sleep.

So I was looking through my archives when I realised I didn't do a New Year's post at all last year (at least not on Livejournal but I can't be bothered to look elsewhere), probably because I couldn't be assed to bother about it at all. Either that, or maybe I was out busy and the time just ... seemed to have gone by. But whatever the case is, the only reason I'm doing one tonight is that right now at 10:44PM, I am alone at home with nothing better to do. (: 

2011 was an interesting year. I did many, many new things, and a lot seems to have changed but at the same time I think a lot hasn't as well. I think earlier I posted about having to accept what I've done in the past seventeen years of life (or something to that effect) and well, I really am glad about the new people I've met this year, and the new experiences I've had. 

Band has once again grown into this huge presence in my life. Just take a look at my year-end holidays - Hong Kong Competition, JC Band Fest, RWinds Coda VII. x) I don't think it will ever stop being one, and sometimes I think that is slightly scary, but nonetheless I'm glad. I'm glad to have met every single person in my batch, and I'm glad to have spent so much time with them (and with all my seniors and qt juniors hehe), and the things which made me really happy this year were mostly band related. Things like FoA and Hong Kong were really highlights of my year. (: I feel incredibly blessed to be in the position of band president right now, but I need to psych myself up for the new year to really take-charge and make band hopefully a good experience for everyone else as well.

Life has definitely been more social this year, I think. I'm glad. (:

5.12 has been a blessing as well. Every single person in class is such a different individual and I think that's what makes class so interesting. I really enjoyed WoW with class, and I'm really quite sad that I couldn't join them for Beijing, but I oh well. School in 2011 was hard, I'm not gonna deny it. It was harder than I expected and right now that's one of the things I'm most apprehensive about for 2012. Okay, I'll admit I'm fucking terrified. x) I don't know how I got through this year, and I'm so scared I won't make it through the next. But I guess, I have to be optimistic? x)

I fell more out of love with dance class in 2011. Not dance, but class, I guess. I'm actively searching to go somewhere else right now because I desperately don't want to give this up, and well, I hope I find someplace. (: Competition was challenging, but at the end of the day I think I'm happy I experienced it, because it was something so different and new for me. 

In any case, I'm leaving 2012 in God's hands. I spent 2011 drifting further and further away. But at Watchnight just now at my brother's church, I made a prayer and a covenant, and I'm going to hold myself (and God) to it. So, yes. 

It is sometimes hard to feel accepted, but I have to be okay with that now. This is a path I chose, and this path was something that perhaps I haven't walked quite as well as I hoped, but that I am nonetheless satisfied with so far. So, it's okay. (: 

I miss some people dearly, and I'm really glad that I've let some people go, as well. I regret many things, but I these regrets are what enables me, I guess, to keep moving forward. 

There is never any shame in being who you are, that is something that I must remember. I think I'm improving everyday, but I really have to remind myself sometimes, lest I fall back into familiar patterns. 

And overall, I'm glad I've met the people I've met, that I've done the things I've done no matter how stupid, and that I've reached here, today, despite so many of my own failings. 

I guess I'm not really making sense right now, either, but that's okay as well. (: